Life according to Lanasheva

Sometimes,,

I felt like i dont deserve the sweetest of it….
I lose it again slip right through my hand
It hurts,, when i feel it so right then today i realize that… not mine anymore..
million reasons i heard but nothing convince me,,,
If i can survive for us then why it’s not ?

God,,!
i think i can’t continue write right now T_T
don’t you know how much you mean to me ,,

I miss my sneakers, but i have to wear high heels shoes
I miss the taste of the rain, but i should taste wine
I miss the feels of my real face, but i should use make up and put a smile in it
I miss my best friends, but they became back stabbing friends
I miss my salty tears, but i am laughing till it hurts
I miss my silent mouth & noisy minds, but they keeping me talked
I miss something real, but only untouchable thing around me

Shortly, been 1 day after my birthday, still thankfull to God who lets me see many things in my ages now..

Honestly, wished there was no special occasion like birthday or new years eve or same kind like that. Coz those things deep down my heart is freak me out, afraid if someone important in my life forget to say : “happy birthday” or “Happy new year” to me.. it makes me realize that i dont like to be ignored by people i love, though i rather to choose doing something behind the stage than to showing it to public, guess it some weird combination of me.

I missed my old things. I know it. And i become very sensitive inside, easy be angry on simple things, but i tried to handle it, hold it as much as i can bear it.
Ridicculous sometimes i felt need to cried for no reason, the only reason is it can clean up the blue feeling even though i wasn’t feel something blue in my heart.

Well, 2 days ago, someone suddenly came to my messenger, i thought he really forgot about me at all, since he choose to leave me and disappear from anything that have related with me. And as i promised to myself that i will stay in the same id of my messenger for whatever happens, just to knowing which friends is notice me or just remember me then talk to me, so i keep my lanasheva till i’m drop !

He said, happy birthday.. , i answered, thank you…, and he continued said, i miss you so much but i promised to leave you alone… so i couldn’t do anything anymore.., then i lost my words, coz i have too many questions in mind. But he is logged out after said those words.
I am just wondering his “i miss you” words so meaningless, for he’s too scared to heard what will i answered after he said that, and it becomes SOMETHING BETTER LEFT UNSAID. And i am not saying anything.

Actually, it’s never the the tears that measure the pain…, sometimes.. it’s the smile we fake, just to show the other that we’re okay..
Coz inside the smile we’re never stop fighting what we feel inside, and the war never stop untill we let it go when we find out that we failed and lose.

I miss everything and everyone,,

This is to believing every lie.
this is to the pain i hold in everyday.
this is to all the wishes that never came true.
this is to holding your breath in that one perfect moment and being terrified that you’ll blink and it’ll all be gone.

this is to starving yourself, in hopes that they’ll accept you
this is to every tear you’ve wasted on people who never cared.
this is to sitting and waiting for your phone to ring
this is to being ignored.
this is to the girl behind that smile.
this is to the boy that never gets the girl.
this is to wanting to speak the most honest words you’ve ever spoken in your life, not knowing whether they should bring you closer to living or dying.

this is for all of us who cry with dry eyes.
this is for those who fall in love in their dreams, and wake up only to wish to be sleeping again.
this is to the kid who has no idea what to do anymore after they’ve been abandoned so all they can do anymore is cry.

This is to him telling you secrets that no one is supposed to know.
this is to all the friends in the spotlight and especially the one girl who isn’t.
this is to all the times I wish I had said no.
this is to all the times I knew what he was doing. And I ignored it.
this is to girls who let their friends walk all over them and cry themselves to sleep at night.
this is for the average girl, who listens to her skinny friends complain about being fat.
this is for the children who cry themselves to sleep at night, wishing that their parent’s loved them.
this is to those who died because their parents beat them.
This is to those who survived and have become stronger, better people.
this is to the people who lie together, but just not too close.
this is to the kid sitting in the corner away from the crowd because he doesn’t “fit in”

this is for that same kid that created the crowd in the first place
this is to the ones that sit at home, lonely, hoping to find someone just like them.
this is to the night when feelings changed.
this is to the broken mirror and the blood on your fist.
this is to feeling emotionless, and watching yourself bleed to know you still feel.
this is for teaching yourself how to care, when it’s the last thing you want to do.
this is to the people that dont even have enough time to read this, and expect you to.

this is about you.

Does it help to say ‘I’m sorry’?
If so, then I’m sorry that your so unhappy.
This life, those lies are starting get you down.
Dear, don’t let them drag you around.

,,,,

we all sometimes have unbearable heart broken
so lets hang on to each other, for we’re just human and should we taking care of each other too.

,,,
the world seem so far away
11.26 ; 06.03.09

“It’s kinda nice to be remembered by your peers and your fans, because you can achieve a lot of success and be a creep too! But we try to be nice, just normal people.”
~ Karen Carpenter quotes (American Singer; She sold, with brother Richard, over 80 million records; first hit was Close to You, 1970. 1950-1983)

This sun really burn my head. After only 3hours sleep and today is have alot things to do and my boss would kill me i guess Pretty nice to found many popular pictures this morning, for my love is really far away from me so i thought it would be good if write some garbage again here …

After many long days i ended with only old people and GabannerzX i should run away from complicated mind and this is some of those fun to see xoxoxoxoxo

“What good are fans? You can’t eat applause for breakfast. You can’t sleep with it.”
~ Bob Dylan quotes (American folksinger, b.1941)

Side’s Ello male singer artist, one of my interest on today, maybe just for today, i don’t know tomorrow i can be bored to this singer

“I don’t have to worry about what people are thinking and what’s going on in the industry. I don’t want that stuff to influence what I’m doing. Because I think it stifles you creatively. I don’t want to have to care too much about that. All I care about is what the fans think. It’s really all I care about, honestly.”
~ Shania Twain quotes (Canadian Singer. b.1965 Windsor, Ontario, Canada)

Enough for today,, i havae to run catch something,,wish one of Gabannerzx around my friend is as good looking as this ello at least its can be good for my eye
“I like meeting all my fans and signing autographs, although it can all get a bit crazy. Yesterday, for example, a boy just came over and planted a big kiss on my face! I was like, ‘Hello?’”
~ Britney Spears quotes (American Singer. b.1981, Kentwood, Louisiana, USA)

And James Morrison sing 4 me :

Let me hold you,,for the last time..
It’s the last time to feel again,,
But you broke me..
Now i can’t feel anything…

When i love you it’s so untrue..
I can’t even convince myself…
When i’m speaking
It’s the voice of someone else…

You can’t play on broken strings…
You can’t feel anything…
That your heart don’t want to feel…

What are we doing,, we are turning into dust,,playing house in the ruins of us…
Running back through the fire .. When there’s nothing left to save …
It’s like catch very last train when it’s too late…
The truth hurts and lie’s worst …
…

You can’t play on broken strings…

Just like any other days, clock always ticking on my life felt like it run too fast.
I think sometimes i forgot where the heart is.. when i tried to catch the time in my hand and i felt something is missing…

But when i found it, i’m just like blind man learn to walk alone..
My body surrenders to the situation where I accepted that I can’t control everything. I let myself drifted to the sound of my own amusement which leads to nothingness.
Yes, i am the nothing..
I just know I feel like I’ve disappointed myself in everything I’ve ever tried to do.

And if you ever love me you’d say it’s gonna be okay…

It’s raining…..
And they fall right between my eyes and show me the world ever known..
My mind tries to fight but in the end it just flows with the rhythm life has prepared for me. The world can break me like crystal on a hard concrete road in the middle of nowhere; I will never be found.

Learning lovin’ somebody don’t make them love you ,,

Wish i have a place to hide all…
But even mom not gonna catch me even i am almost dead…. how lucky the poeple who have mother that act like a real mom..
Sometimes i felt this is unfair,, while a mom can loving as many child as she want…but for a child like me, who else i can call “mom” beside my own mom..but she not love me ..she choose to love another path of our life that full of her sins..

Even i tried to covered it with some other fake mom, reality never change..she is still my mom, that having the most of my bloodline..
Guess i should go back to my own world, leaving them once more … Live only with my own rules and schedule ..
I will be fine though sometimes it hurts so much too when i disappointed like today… such another NUMB..

Tonight, I am starring at one nickname on my messenger just like another nights in this month.. He makes me read the book that i shouldn’t read it..
And now i am lost inside it.. how much you care that much you can disappointed easily…

Time is a Train….
Leading you Nowhere….

I needed you
Probably as bad as I need another hole in my head
I wish I could see through your eyes so I would know what you like to see. I wish I knew your wishes, so I could give you everything you want. I wish I dreamed the same dreams you do, and together we could make them come true. I wish I knew what makes you happy, so I could make you the happiest person in the whole world. And lastly, I wish I were a cell in your blood, so I would be sure I was somewhere in your heart,,

I am just trying to say that i - love - you
I am sorry if it’s scared you… but do you know it’s scare me too till felt like i am so close with the dead…

Is it very hard just to send a message..?

YOu’re the reason that i be grow up, and i don’t you to get hurt..

,, just the day with another cigarettes, and you didn’t notice

If it’s gonna be a rainy day
There’s nothing we can do to make it change
We can pray for sunny weather
But that won’t stop the rain
Feeling like you got no place to run…

Let it fall, let it fall,,,

how can you replace fear with faith,
when the foundation of love isn’t there to build on ?

Guess this is the answer of what i felt all day …
The answer comes up right before i gave up to find the answers…
I knew ,, i knew dad knew something but he won’t tell me..

Where is home ? i heard you said….

I feel like in hell today.
i have strong feeling that something wrong but i dont know what is this… even this feeling makes me wanna throw up..
Recently i felt like this before too.. and when the feeling like this coming up , i surrender to God to please make this feelin stop…Coz i really dont know what is so wrong ? who’s in danger ? what happened to whom ?? If God give me “the something wrong feelin” like this then why He wont gave me the visions too …coz i think it will be more simple if i know the reason why i feel it, or if i saw something too.. it’s really unbearable..
please…please..stop it.

And after 15 hours i try to make the puzzles to be in one picture…
I think i know something, not sure but must be that thing..and sadly i know it 5 minutes ago and dad just won’t tell me…
So..is this that rain ? make me drown like this…
I know what i felt is some kinda like a signs.. if not then i wont be like this sick.. even i almost got the answer … it’s not make me feel better..

Where is home ? i heard you said…

Even i dont have the answer for that question…
I don’t belong there.. i don’t belong in a place that my only sister called it “home” …

So completely miserable today…

Lies…
Love..
Home…

I know now i am alone … definetily alone ..
Why should God give me the sign when He knows i cannot bear with the sign that can make me suffering like this ??

History repeating.. .. .. .. .. ..

People are people,
And sometimes we change our minds.
But it’s killing me …
Music starts playin’ like the end of a sad movie,
It’s the kinda ending you don’t really wanna see.
Cause it’s tragedy and it’ll only bring you down,

And james morrison singing :

Let me hold you for the last time
It’s the last chance to feel again but you broke me
Now I can’t feel anything

,,,Broken string -
..
Like we know ,, begitu sulit menjadi ikhlas setelah sesuatu bernafas didalam darah kita..

“And why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up.”

You know my name,,
You know me by a name,,
Don’t you know it’s only dust,,
I am only dust..

Be my voice to help me sing..
Be my eyes and my lips that tell no lies..
Be the thought that’s on my mind..
Be the pure drop of the rain..
Be a beautiful word..
Be the hand that guides the blind..
Be with me,,
,,as you can be..

Where the thoughts can run freely , . . . NakeD..

Long time not talk to myself even i thought that i cannot speak to myself anymore,,then monday comes up just like someone put the gun on my head.
It’s exhausted day since last 2 weeks, i appreciate people around me in my new office didn’t noticed me, and i am glad with that, coz i love to be invincible sometimes..but today, maybe i surprised them because i fix one or two things, so they become more interest with me, honestly i don’t really like it. Seems like every move i made they will watch me with alot of curiosity..please stop it.

I just want you to know that all the things you do are noticed and appreciated even though it might not seem like it sometimes.

This is the book I never read
These are the words I never said
This is the path I’ll never tread
These are the dreams I’ll dream instead
This is the joy that’s seldom spread

And this is what they represent
And this is how I feel

As i walked from office today, gazing at the houses around me, i wondered who lived behind the walls. Are they happy ? what kind of happiness they have ? is it truly happy or they just act like they’re happy people..?

Sometimes our brain doesn’t choose the “right” essentials to keep. Remembering is fundamentally lossy. And that can be exploited.

And as I succumbed various experiences, I started to realize more and more what people do and how people are,,
I started to realize how different everybody is…We are all so different.

Why do people choose an objectively worse option? Because we view our experiences through the subjective lens of memory. The noise may be objectively worse, but it’s subjectively better.

But see I know this is how it’s suppose to be, because we are human, thats how we’ve been designed. And humans are never satisfied. Always want more.
And i end up feeling lacking and missing at some point, but i don’t know what im missing of..

We don’t plan on making as many mistakes as we do and we assume a lot of things will turn out as we expect them to.
But sometimes we get stuck.
We replay the images that connect us to the events we now regret.

Just don’t be high on expectations; it is one thing that pulls human out of reality….

I am exhausted today.
Erasing my inbox messages, with coffee accompany me.

..

so, maybe someone not come online today.

Wish i could go back to the time where the only man in my life was my father
the only bestfriend that i had was my mom
where wounded knees are healed by just tender touch of mom’s hand
where tears can be wipe away with just a piece of candy
but i cannot go back
how i wish i could..

The childhood is one of the best memories when you are grow up in happy family, or at least when you are child your parents were a happy couple.
So when you are adult you can say “i was happy in my childhood” , for 5 first year in life is the meaningfull of basic behaviour, that is what my psychological theory books said.

But i think thats true, i saw it in many friends that have bad memories in their childhood. Like white paper that written alot of bad words there if you’re not in happy family, but as it grow actually they can change it to the better behaviour, coz -in my assumption- they grow so they can know what is right and what is wrong so they can choose which one the best decision for the next step.

But in this life we know we think we make a best decision, but as time goes by our decision can came to a wrong decision, even in every true there’s always wrong inside it.
Because everything has a reason, maybe while we make a right decision, we have some wrong reasons to do it, so it come from wrong can be right.
Or we doing wrong things so we made it up to be a right decision, i just wanna say this is a hard life, nothing really black and nothing really white.

People created not to be in SIN.
We just fail in make some choices. Everything is figured out except how to life, how to be happy.

Its almost 15 hours i dont sleep, and stay up for no reasons..
Been thinking my days for the last 3 weeks, try to analysing many things, come up to mind right now is my families and friends.
Sometimes, in this last 3 weeks i miss my friends, they are all the best friends i have in our 1st and 2nd years, but in the 3rd year, i think they become like a monster, not thinking much when make their decision for their life, simple love relationship they made, flying high to the moon, then drown in dark water that can help them only for hours, after that they became busy to make their life worst.

Honestly, i miss you much guys, but so sorry i leave you, for my own reasons, i think i have to leave you..for i have to get something important in this life.

Sorry,, i even change my numbers, so you cannot found me..
Sorry,, i lie when i told you i will stay in same place so anyone can find me.
Sorry,, i hurt you when i don’t even say goodbye.
Sorry,, if i have to leave this town, for i need to get new experience in life.
Sorry,, if more or less i hate your decision, and not agree with whatever we did.

I’m sorry.
For breaking all the promises
That I wasn’t around to keep.

This weeks, i only with my families through all happens in life i think family is the last move i have to go, for they will judge me with their own ways, even it hurts too, but i can keep it as a respect coz they still have same blood with me..

Last friday is Acel birthday, he is 11 now, i dont realize that time is so fast goes by. And i found many old photographs of acel and my friends in his 1st birthday, how sweet it is to look at that pictures, i am in that pictures too, but i am noticed one thing, i have empty eye there.

Then im recalling my memories, on acel’s 1st birthday, he wasn’t there !
And i know exactly where he is, he’s with her, she is my bestfriend’s sister, how can terrible things like that happens to us, for that reasons i hate him till inside my blood i hate him.

It’s been 3 years and 5 months ..
41 months exactly we’re say goodbye in front of God..
But i do still feel the love, fear, anger, and devotion to you.
Such a silly things that cannot erase in 41 months, how awsome and pathetic !
Painfully..

If I could say “I Love you”
I could have said it many times
But I don’t want you to know
Because you do not seem to mind

I tried myself to forget you
But my heart doesn’t seem to follow
The more I try to forget you
The more my heart says “I Love You”

People always say that the past is an experience, present is an experiment, future is an expectation. But in my situation he became the expectation, but he always in his own world..So i decided to keep trying run from his shadow..
After this 41 months, boys -like usually- come and go, but it doesn’t change anything in me except it change my opinion about relationship, my opinion about boys attitude, it’s fun and confusing too.

I love to analyze the habits of the boys, after this they will become like that, after that they will be like others models and lots more ..
I don’t know because i love to analyze it, and can made the prediction about what they will be doing so i cannot have new relationship with man, my friends said i am too carefully about my heart, of course ! This is my heart, i need to escape my heart first before they can hurt it.

Its funny anyways, i have the experience, i want someone so much so i did silly things just to make him notice me or even love me, but in the end im done with it, and tired, so im not making any moves to him. I give up. But times make him try to catch me, while im in some strange place to hide from my friends…, he’s down on his knees just to see me..but so sorry i cannot meet him, coz i feel nothing about him, those butterflies feelin in my heart to him is GONE, really DISSAPPEAR… but honestly it’s not my revenge to him, i just dont feel it anymore, i’m SoRRy..

“when you stop wanting something,
you get it,,
“and when you start wanting it again,
it stops wanting you,,

Wish that one of them can make me forget him, can make my heart not loving him anymore, i’ll give anything i have, i’ve been tried it for 41 months..
And it’s amazing, with the look in his eyes, like he could save me, but he won’t even try..and then he just tell me again that everything will be alright..
For me alright is not enough, when i always bear this feeling everywhere i go..

Ida Scott Taylor once wrote:
Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering.

This is my loneliness that makes the loudest noise. Coz i am alone busy fighting my own feelings in my own wars that makes the mind crowd with loud conversation between my mind and my heart.
I keep busy to deny myself that it is always him inside heart, and like i wrote here before denial can become lies..

Denial is the refusal to acknowledge the existence or severity of unpleasant external realities or internal thoughts and feelings.

In psychology, denial is a concept originating with the psychodynamic theories of Sigmund Freud. According to Freud, three mental dynamics, or motivating forces, influence human behavior: the id, ego, and superego. The id consists of basic survival instincts and what Freud believed to be the two dominant human drives: sex and aggression. If the id were the only influence on behavior, humans would exclusively seek to increase pleasure, decrease pain, and achieve immediate gratification of desires. The ego consists of logical and rational thinking. It enables humans to analyze the realistic risks and benefits of a situation, to tolerate some pain for future profit, and to consider alternatives to the impulse-driven behavior of the id. The superego consists of moralistic standards and forms the basis of the conscience. Although the superego is essential to a sense of right and wrong, it can also include extreme, unrealistic ideas about what one should and should not do.

And i am tired of this.
I have new idea about to move out from this town..
Hope God will help me,,